Monpatinka

The smell of seaweed, sea salt and spent gunpowder mixed in the crisp winter morning air. The Germans have just been driven from the small, coastal town of Monpatinka, and once again occupied by the Soviet Union. It was the third time the town had been conquered in the past 5 years, in the most distructive war the world has yet seen. Each concecutive battle ravaged the once picturesque landscape, large craters dotted the rolling green hills surrounding the town. Wrecked and burned tanks clogged the the only road out of the once pristine fishing town.
The people of the town had grown accustomed to the violence of WW2, and were just as wary of the Soviet soldiers as they were of the Germans. Despite thier hardships, the people of Monpatinka were very resiliant, and went along with thier normal lives as best they could. One young woman, Svajone had lost more than most. Her mother was killed by the first Soviet invasion, and her father was killed by the German blitzkrieg. despite her losses, she held her head high, and tried to make the most of life in her situation. As she stepped out of her once beautiful home on the beach of the Baltic sea, she scanned the landscape with her brilliant green eyes, then let out a long, drawn out sigh.
World war II had taken all she held dear, her family, her sailboat and even her once perfect view of the sea. The clear morning sky was partially obscured by the haze of smoke from the nearby town. The sky was brilliantly blue, but was tarnished by anti aircraft cannons, that left small black clouds throughout the sky like blackheads on an otherwise beautiful face. The soothing sound of the waves breaking on the shore was drowned out by a distant rumble, Russian artillery fired non-stop at the retreating Germans over the horizon. On the calm, glasslike sea was a massive dark shape, a Russian warship was there to draw the Soviet iron curtain around the town from the sea. She turned her back to the sea, wiping a tear from her eye, and began to slowly walk into town with her sachel.
Despite the destruction, 19 year old Svajone still went to school each day, a small badly damaged building in the center of Monpatinka. Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler, the two most viscious dictators the world had yet seen fought over thier land, but the girls in Monpatinka High had more to worry about, like who would win the fight over Gustav, the cutest boy in school. Gustav had moved to Monpatinka just 3 months ago, and became a celebrity among the local girls. Svajone knew she didnt have a chance to be with him, and was resigned to watch the other girls vie for his attention from the sidelines.
The front door of Monpatinka high creaked as it swung open, and the floorboards groaned as Svajone walked down the dilapitated hallway. She quietly entered her classroom, dodged paper airplanes that some of the students threw at her. She sat down silently, and almost immedietly her attention went to Gustav, who she could hardly take her eyes off of.
"I dont know how clouds are formed, but the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing." Said the science teacher, Hetzel Kandite. Like most of the teachers in Monpatinka High, he barely knew what he was talking about. "clouds are like fogs, but ones that fly really high in the air."
As the teacher droned on about the atmosphere, Svajone's mind began to wander around the room. Her gaze began to inevitably drift to Gustav, and she could not help but admire his looks. He was as tall as a tree, a 6 foot tall tree. He was well built, and had long curly hair.
"mmm I wanna run my fingers through his hair" she thought, "I wanna run my fingers though his pu-"
"SVAJONE!" said the teacher testily.
"Huh?" replied Svajone ineptly as the class chuckled at her.
"I asked you a question, if you smell a oderless gas, what are you probably smelling?"
"not your farts" she replied irritably.
"get out of my class now, I'm tired of your constant bad aditude, Svajone. Come back when you are serious about learning!"
Svajone picked up her satchel and threw her books into it, and began to walk out.
"Wind is a lot like normal air, only pushier" said Hetzel as she walked past his desk, looking out the window. Thunder rumbled as rain began to pour outside the classroom window. As she walked out the door, her teacher said "Thunder is the noisy part of lightning, it sounds a lot like a thin sheet of metal being shaken during a storm scene in one of our school dramas."
She slammed the door as she left the school, walking home quickly. The pouring rain was freezing cold, and the roads were much muddier than usual, having been torn up by the treads of massive German battle tanks. As she walked past an old store, she noticed 3 Russian soldiers huddled under a large pink umbrella they had stolen from an old lady. Svajone quickened her pace as she walked past them, she knew if they could steal an old lady's pink umbrella, they were capable of anything.
One of the men began to walk towards her, muttering "Yuri, Zietzev, lets have some fun". Tensing up with fear, Svajone began to run, but the Russian soldiers, throwing the pink umbrella to the ground, chased her into a bell tower. She ran to the top of the bell tower, and was cornered.
Laughing and taunting her, the Soldiers surrounded her and holstered thier weapons.
one of the soldiers then said; "In Lithuania, you have sex, but in Soviet Russia, sex have YOU!!!"
Svajone, realizing what was about to happen began to kick and scream, but nobody would hear, and nobody would dare face 3 Soviet soldiers, or so she thought.
Suddenly, one of the soldiers let out a scream of pain, then a long object burst out of his chest. It was red, bright red. Pink, with lace on the edges. It was the pink umbrella.
"In Soviet Russia, soldiers kill YOU, but in Lithuania, you kill soldiers" Said a mysterious voice.
The other 2 soldiers, Yuri and Zietsev turned and screamed in horror. Thier screams were suddenly silenced when the umbrella bust open, knocking Yuri over the safty rail of the bell tower, falling to his death. The other was knocked back and fell to the ground stunned.
Svajone looked up, to see the umbrella close, and pull back out of the soldier's chest. As the dead russian fell to the floor, her savior was revealed, and was non other than Gustav.
"please, let me go!" shouted the last Russian soldier. "I wont tell anybody!"
Gustav, looking at the man said "Fine you can go."
"Thank you!" said the soldier as he began to walk to the stairs.
"Wait!" said Gustav calmly, "its raining, you should bring an umbrella"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed the Russian as Gustav threw the umbrella like a javelin, straight through and out the back of his head. The curved handle of the umbrella caught on the soldiers brain, and pulled it out of the back of his head. The soldier fell to the ground dead, with his empty head hitting the bell on the way down.
"You, saved me." Said Svajone in disbelief.
"Thank me later" said Gustav hastily, as he lead her down the stairs of the bell tower. They ran out of the door of the church and raced past the remains of Yuri. The Russian, after being knocked out of the bell tower by the explosive force of the umbrella opening had fallen to the ground like a plastic garbage bag full of vegetable soup.
Gustav and Svajone ran down the streets, fearing being seen by Soviet Soldiers. The treads of tanks squeaked as they rolled down the street, and soldiers shouted as they scoured monpatinka for the killers of thier comrades. Creeping slowly but surely, Svajone and Gustav meandered through the city and back to her house on the beach.
Captain Vladamir Malcovich stepped off the side of his tank, and stepped confidently towards what was left of one of his soldiers, Yuri.
"what happened here?" he asked angrily.
"I think the 3 men commited suicide" said private Dimitri. "it looks like he was suffering from shell shock and jumped from the bell tower"
"what about the other 2 men?" asked Captain Vladamir.
"it looks like they all killed themselves." Said private Bubba-Joe Zukosky as he walked down the stairs of the bell tower. "I investigated and concluded that they decided to all kill themselves, first Sargeant Nikita stabbed himself with a pink umbrella, pulled it out and expired. Then Private Yuri threw himself from the bell tower, then Zietzef took the same umbrella and stabbed himself in the head, pulled it all the way through his head and then threw the umbrella, along with his brain out of the bell tower and into the street."
"I want further investigations" said Captain Vladamir. "Why would 2 men kill themselves with an umbrella when they are carrying loaded weapons?"
"I dunno, if your depressed enough your capable of anything" replied Bubba Joe.
"Do a full scene investigation, this just might not be a case of triple suicide." Said Captain Vladamir ominously.
"Sir, there are witnesses that say they saw two people fleeing the scene, perhaps they killed them?" asked Dimitri
"perhaps, they killed them and then tried to make it look like they commited suicide with an umbrella." replied Vladamir. "find them and destroy them"
Safe at last in the warmth of Svajone's home, the couple breathlessly flopped on the couch in her living room. The two of them had not spoken a word since they left the bell tower, and they both stared deep into eachothers eyes. For nearly 30 seconds, they both gazed at eachother, neither wanting to break the silence and ruin the moment.
The tension swelled up in both of them, and then like a fat person reunited with a long lost chocolate cake, they lept forward and engulfed eachother in a passionate kiss. With feral desire, they kissed and embraced.
"Oh, what are we waiting for, make love to me!" moaned Svajone.
Gustav, to Svajone's surprise got off the couch, backed away from her and ran out the door.
"Gustav! Where are you going?"
He did not respond, but instead ran down the beach. Svajone got off of the couch, her pulse quickened in horror. She chased after her one true love, running as fast as her slender legs would carry her, but he was faster.
"WAIT!" she screamed in desparation. Gustav continued to run as fast as he could, but tripped on the gravel and fell to the ground. He sat up, but ran no more, allowing Svajone to catch up to him.
"why did you run? Whats wrong?" Svajone asked.
"Its not you, its me." said Gustav.
"It was too good to be true" thought Svajone, unable to contain her dissapointment.
"I cant take it anymore, I cant take the looks of dissaproval and dissapointment. The laughter, the shame, the fear. I just want to keep running forever." said Gustav as he placed his face in the palms of his hands.
"Running from what?" Asked Svajone.
Gustav did not look at her, and instead scanned the horizon with a look of unbearable pain on his face.
"The truth, the unmistakeable truth." he said, "I cant run from it anymore. I have to face the truth"
Svajone, trying to console her lover sat next to him and inquired "why are you feeling so down?"
"I dont know why every girl in town wants to be with me, if they knew the truth they would shun me. I dont know why it had to be this way. I'm such a phony. I'm a monster."
"A monster? You couldnt possibly be a monster, you saved my life." Replied Svajone, fearing what he would say next.
Gustav's face was solomn, his eyes were half closed and he breathed in deeply. Except for the waves gently crashing onto the shore, all was silent, even the distant rumble had ceased. "yes, I have a monsterous problem, some people cant control their temper, some people are alcoholics, but people like me, have even worse problems. Do you ever feel hopeless?"
"yes" replied Svajone "when my family died I felt like I was deep in a pit of misery that I would never climb out of. The war, the occupations, the soldiers, the bombings, all of them took away a little piece of my soul."
Gustav looked up and said, "Some people need peace to be happy, some people need a family to be happy. Some need solitude, others need attention. My problem is much worse. I have something that can never be fixed, something that will drive me mad till the day I die. Someting that has made me an outcast, doomed me to wander alone. I AM a monster, but not just any monster, a monster with a little dong."
"wait what?" asked Svajone confusedly.
"Its tiny, I've got a tiny sperm burper!" groaned Gustav, looking into her eyes with regret and pain.
"A WHAT?" said Svajone surprised.
"I've got a tweensy blue veiner. My baloney pony is too small for you to ride"
"hey its ok Gustav, I still love you no matter what! Even if you have a little womb hammer!"
"you will love me, but you wont be happy, I just want you to be happy, and I know my spam dagger just doesnt have what it takes."
"But I dont care if you have a little pork sword, I just care about you!"
"Your just saying that to make me feel better" said Gustav sulkily. "we both know what you really are thinking, and I know you love me, but some things love just cant overcome. Nothing will make my trouser snake big enough to make you happy."
Svajone was resolute, putting her hand on his shoulder, pushing back tears, she told him; "Its your personality I fell in love with, not your little meat-whistle. Its your bravery I fell for, not your miniature sperm cannon. Its your beautiful face that I love, not your womb broom. I loved you from the moment I first layed eyes on you, but I've yet to see your hairy-scary and the two bald men."
Gustav turned from the ocean to look at her "do you mean it?" he asked slowly.
"Your little ding dong can go fuck itself, I love you, for who you are, not for big willie an the twins! I love everything about you, including your tube steak"
"FREEZE!" Shouted a soviet soldier. Svajone and Gustav both jumped to thier feet, prepared to run, but realized they were completely surrounded by over a hundred Soviet Soldiers. Captain Vladamir approached the couple, with a look of hatred in his eyes. "are you the one who killed my men?" he asked.
Gustav did not reply to the captain but instead wanted his last words to be much more meaningful and truthful. "I love you Svajone" he said.
"Prepare to fire" annouced the captain.
"Sir? Comrade Captain Vladamir?" said a voice over the captain's radio. "I did a scan of the scene with a UV light, and the whole bell tower is covered in semen!"
The captain pulled out his radio, "blood also glows under UV, is the glowing liquid red?" he asked.
The radio crackled and whined, then private Bubba Joe replied "yes its red, but it is quite possible that it is bloody semen. I think what really happened was a horny rebel raped these men, penetrating them with his immense rock hard penis and used the umbrella to shield himself from the splattering bloody semen! After seeing his two comrades raped and killed, Private Yuri threw himself from the bell tower to deny his captor the pleasure of raping him in a similar fashion"
"Are you sure?" asked Captain Vladamir.
"Positive, that is the only explaination for this triple murder, over and out."
Captain Vladamir turned to Svajone and Gustav, wondering if they were indeed the ones that killed his men. There was only one way to find out. He had to see if this young man he had captured was equipped to kill 2 grown men with just his penis.
"Drop your pants boy!" he instructed, but to no avail. Gustav stood frozen, holding Svajone in his arms.
"drop your pants and show me your gun, or I will show you what my gun can do." Commanded Vladamir as he reached for his pistol. "When you shoot, it feels good, when I shoot it hurts like hell"
Gustav's fly unzipped, his pants and boxers slid down his pale white legs. Pale ass cheeks and genitals hung free in the cold air. Laughter echoed across the beach. There was no doubt in his mind, Captain Vladamir knew this man could not have killed his men. He turned away, and his soldiers, still howling with laughter followed. Like hundreds of tiny needles, the freezing rain fell down, stinging the bare ass of Gustav.
"the littleness of your crotch cobra saved us." said Svajone.
"wow, I never thought my little sweet meat would ever come in handy!" Said Gustav laughing, pulling his pants back up.
"lets go back inside tiny" said Svajone playfully. The young couple, relieved to have just escaped death began to slowly walk back to the beach house, out of the freezing drizzle.
They both sat back down on the couch, and Svajone, realized how exhousted she was. She had been chased, nearly raped and then ran all the way back home, only to be nearly killed by russians. She cuddled up against her one true love, content to stay in Gustav's arms forever as her conciousness slowly drifted to sweet dreams of her Gustav.
Svajone woke up with a start. She was alone on the couch, alone and cold. Gustav was nowhere to be found. The room was empty and silent, with only a single piece of paper laying on a small table near the door. Even the pervasive distant rumble had ceased. She was alone, all alone, again. Svajone lept from the bead, snatching the piece of paper from the table and reading it quickly.
"Dear Svajone, I am sorry, I have to leave you. You deserve someone who can make you happy with his pleasure pickle, and not leave you wanting. I love you so much I want you to be with someone with a bigger beef bugle. Maybe in a different world, if I had cared less about making you happy, or if I had a bigger flesh-bat, we could be together. I love you, and because I love you, I want only the best beef bayonet for you, and I know my meat cudgel isnt the best."
With tears streaming down her face, she threw the letter aside, yelling "GUSTAV! I dont care about your stupid little yogurt hose!"
"And now, we are going to go over human anatomy, we will be talking about all the parts of the body" Said Hetzel the science teacher. It had been a week since she had read Gustav's farewell note, and no matter how hard she tried, how many tears she cried or how many words she said, she could not get Gustav to take her back. He sat slouched in a desk in the corner, brooding and silent.
"The head is a very important part of the body, all of you have one. Men have two heads actually, the one on your shoulders and the enlarged tip of the penis is also refered to as a head." Said Hetzel. "The penis does not really have a head, nor eyes, but is sometimes refered to as a "one eyed wonder worm" or "man in the pink helmet."
Hetzel began to draw a large penis on the chalkboard, complete with balls and several large hairs sticking out the bottom. As he drew, the piece of chalk slipped from his hand and fell to the floor. "Oops, I guess gravity is working extra hard today" muttered Hetzel. As he bent over to pick it up, 2 pale, hairy cheeks of ass revealed themselves from over the top of his pants. Lacy pink underwear was stretched inbetween the cheeks.
Svajone bowed her head in irritation, rubbing her temples as a headache began to give her pain.
"you girls and a few of you guys need to be careful, the penis ejects semen from the tip at over 20 miles per hour, and is capable of growing to over 2.5 times its original size and becoming rock hard when stimulated."
"it can do what?" asked Gustav.
"Your tower of power shoots semen at 20 miles per hour" Replied Hetzel.
"NO not that! It can grow?"
"yes silly, baloney phones can get pretty big when they are sexually stimulated." Replied Hetzel.
Svajone looked up, eyeing Gustav. His posture was different, instead of slouched, he was sitting straight up, gripping his desk with white knuckles.
"are you serious? Otis Deepthroatis can get bigger!?!?!" Gustav asked excited.
"Ye-yes, it gets made bigger when your heart rate increases and blood vessels to the penis widen and what is known as a"woody" occurs."
Svajone's heart rate quickened, anticipating an opportunity to prove Gustav's insecurities about his passion pole were unfounded.
"MAKE LOVE TO ME!" screamed Svajone as she reached for the buttons of her shirt.
Gustav lept from his desk, and ran across the classroom, tossing desks and students asunder.
"what the fuck are you doing!?!?" yelled Hetzel, as the class erupted in disorder. "get back in your desk Gustav! Svajone, put your clothes back on!"
Unheeding of Hetzel's commands, Gustav tore his shirt apart, revealing an unrivaled chest and exquisite abs. Svajone cast her shirt aside, and ripped her skirt and kicked it away.
"JESUS no!" screamed Hetzel as the students watched in awe. "stop this at once! call the police!"
Gustav picked up a desk with his strong arms, and threw it through a large window, then picked up Svajone, and climbed through the freshly broken window. The couple ran half naked through the streets, charging to Gustav's house. As they ran through the central marketplace, Svajone bumped into another woman, and they both fell to the muddy ground.
"what the hell is your problem?" asked the woman angrily, wiping mud from her eyes and shoving Svajone off of her.
"Sorry I didnt meant to run into you, BITCH!" replied Svajone as she pushed the woman back.
With unbridled fury, the woman attacked Svajone, pulling her hair and slapping her visciously. Gustav watched in shock, as the two women squealed and tumbled in the mud. The sight of such goings on set his loins aflame, and he gasped in shock.
Rolling and slapping, grabbing and tearing, the two women fought, slinging and slopping, moaning and screaming, punching and kicking, they made battle in the mud. With a powerful slap, Svajone knocked the woman to the ground and straddled her but was suddenly pulled away by Gustav, who limped as he carried her. "why are you limping?" asked Svajone panting.
"Its my meat pipe! Its gotten huge!" Replied Gustav as he kicked down the door of his house with his third leg. "lets get this mud cleaned off you dirty girl"
Gustav hobbled to the bathroom, and while still holding Svajone in his strong arms, turned on the shower. Steam billowed fourth from the shower, and mud fell away as it was gently carresed from Svajone's soft body by Gustav's strong yet gentle hands. Svajone's wet hair glistened like a nose hair right after a sneeze, and the straps of her underwear began to slide, slowly and gently down her shoulders and hips.
"oh suck my fuck" said Svajone, breathlessly.
"how do I suck your fuck?"
"Like this," said Svajone as she put her hands on Gustav's head, forcing him to bow before her and then she wrapped her legs around his head like a turban.
"wrong hole" said Svajone suddenly irritated.
"MMmmph Mmrrph Mrrr le-ler-le-ler" replied Gustav.
Svajone threw her head back in extasy, but then suddenly fear coursed through her body. A demon, a monster nay, the devil himself she felt, growing in the core of her body. It grew bigger, and moved downwards. "Jesus no!" she thought as she frantically unhooked her feet and began to pull her legs off of Gustav, but alas, she was not quick enough. Her flatulence reared up like a proud stallion and burst forth. The force of the fart blew his head back and straightened his hair out. Gustav coughed and blinked as Svajone stood up and got out of the shower, drying off with a towel.
"where, *cough* are you going babe?"
"I'm leaving, I am not good enough for you, you saved me and look how I repay you."
"hey its ok I-"
"You saved me from being raped by Russians, but I fart in your face, you love me, but I blow my butt bassoon at you, you kissed me, but I nearly sharted on your chin, you sa-"
"Svajone" interupted Gustav, drying himself off as he stepped out of the shower, "I thought that was sexy"
Svajone eyed him, knowing he was lying. But she scanned the expression on his face. There was not a trace of disgust, but instead ravenous desire. He cast his towel aside, and strode across the room, and they began to bump uglies like there was no tomororw. As they engaged in carnal gymnastics, legs of the bed on which they made love cracked and gave way. With the power of a Howitzer cannon Gustav thrusted, as Svajone placed herself over and around his mythic rod of replication. Svajone wooshed her silken hair as Gustav filled his hands with her creamy fullness.
The crazed congress continued, they switched from position to position in a frenzy of fornication. The stamina of both partners was unrivaled. Svajone's quivering lips met Gustav's lips, and several other locales. The Coitus of the couple closely resembled the grace of a stampeding herd of cattle. Gustav's rock hard body glistened with man dew as his entire body tensed in preparation for a volcanic climax.
Then it was over.
The liquid explosion was the harbiger of a pervading silence. Thinking the siesmic rumbling of the passionate lovemaking was another bombing raid, the Soviet soldiers in Monpatinka had run in terror, never to return.
Gustav rolled over onto his back, utterly contented. Svajone lay on the bed, breathing heavily, knowing deep down that perhaps only Shaquille O'Niel could come close to satisfying her that much.
There at long last was peace in Monpatinka. It was not with tanks and cannons in the fields that final battle raged. Instead it was a battle of lovemaking, fought with pointed nipples and a legendary purple headed warrior. The smoke had cleared, the harrowing haze of war was gone at long last. Gustav's Throbbing, vien laden Truncheon of Progeny had prevailed over Svajone's virginity, and even triumphed over World War 2.